The struggles of Ivory


Ivory, when lesser woods will not do. For fans of Narnia, and snow, and the Earth’s poles (either is fine). Freshly placed on a sunny day they are beautiful and purewith only a smattering of over compulsive disorder. Here, thanks to the strange alchemical works found in the heart of every piece of composite lumber, we can go to sleep in the knowledge that as we brush our teeth, slip into our pyjamas, and find ourselves drawn to the strange spinning wheel that we’re not sure was there this morning.

We prick our finger and fall into a deep magical sleep. Upon waking we find that fifteen years have passed, so we rush down the stairs, past the bleached bones in the cat box, out into the garden to find that our patio made from composite decking is still there with another ten years year’s remaining till the warranty runs out. But the problem with ivory is stains show, leaf litter clogs the grooves. If you are interested in composite decking, please see here: Dino Decking.

  1. You have to be careful about who you let up on the patio

The great thing about finding the suitable materials for your patio is that you can relax in the knowledge that the search is over, now it’s a matter of time till the thing is laid and life can commence. Then it dawns on you, the sinking feeling rises as your beautiful child, clumsy friend, or grumpy significant other who still hasn’t forgiven you for forgetting their birthday, and one or if you’re luck enough, all of them will drop something, squidgy or greasy down on the decking leaving a stain on your once perfectly pale wood.

  1. Birds will not respect the inconspicuousness of their droppings

Sure, you can settle on being that grumpy person, the one who refuses to let all but the most overly compulsive of people onto your pristine decking, but that won’t stop the birds. Alfred Hitchcock was so shocked to see what a passing family of starlings did to his gazebo one morning that he wrote the film: The Birds. Even white bird poo isn’t really white, and while it may not melt your composite wood like salt on a slug, people will pass and notice the speckled markings like abstract art, and word will spread.

  1. Can be difficult to detect in the snow

Naturally you’re going to remember where you pride and joy, made from wood and plastic and mixed with magic is, even when partially buried under freshly fallen snow, but there are those days when we’re tired, or hungover, grumpy, possibly lost in love, and we injure ourselves. Stubbed toe is the leading cause of domestic arguments, in the top five of “Things-You-Never-Do” talks, and the occasionalone-sided arguments aimed at inanimate objects. It’s a hard thought to imagine being hurt by the things we love.

  1. May be hard to find other colours to match the garden

Even a little ivory decking is going to create a statement in the garden, both for the other objects in the garden, and your neighbours who come over to frown from time to time. Ivory is a statement, about what is unsure. White wood can work as a focal point, but you have to pick your colours wisely otherwise your garden will be forever trapped in a kind of autumnal period of odd colours and ever cooling winds.

  1. You will make an enemy of nature

We’ve discussed the problems of people and poultry, but the real enemy is nature itself. Now, if you live in the snow, slightly elevated off the ground thanks to recent advancements in anti-grav-technology then that’s great. For those who decided to build an ivory hut in a swamp, watching the light leave their eyes as the grey-green mud covers it in slime, or just the rest of us who live in regular places, you will suffer. The world is a wild place, cruel and unfeeling towards the plight of maintaining ivory wood, but it’s true. I just don’t want you getting your hopes up for a clean tomorrow.


You knew what you were getting into the moment you realized it came in white.The significant other frowns all the way home while you remain oblivious, trying to figure out how you can make the dog fifty-five-percent less dribbly. Stains are going to appear. Leaf-litter is going to get stuck in things, and you’re going to fall out with the garden hose from time to time as you throw it across the garden aware of its limitations no matter how much you scream.